It was April 30, 2019. I was out and about at a nearby
street when I received a notification on Messenger from a friend from
L’Arc~en~Ciel Philippines Street Team. Her message was “I can't find your Twitter pero @Rej! I just saw the news. Your TVXQ
boys in Manila soon. Congrats!” I checked Twitter right away and saw the
news. TVXQ in Manila was indeed announced. The announcement was made extra
special because the promoter posted on her Twitter account a video clip of all
the gatherings and events the fans of TVXQ in the Philippines did and attended—acknowledging how these
fans were the pioneers of Kpop fandom in the Philippines. I couldn’t absorb
everything yet and it didn’t help that my phone was on the brink of dying so I went
home to get a full grasp of the news: TVXQ in Manila *is finally happening on
July 13, 2019, at Mall of Asia Arena. Some friends from different fandoms messaged
me, gave me their heartfelt congratulations because they know I have been a fan
of this group even before Kpop became a mainstream genre. After all the artists
that have come to the Philippines to have a concert, it’s finally time for TVXQ
to come to Manila.
Days passed after the announcement and we were all just excited
about the concert. There were worries here and there, but the desire to see
TVXQ in Manila prevailed. Filipino fans did everything to help spread the news
of TVXQ coming to Manila: From doing giveaways, to making a detailed (and translated
in Multilanguage aside from English) FAQs for the concert like how to get to
the venue from the airport, options for accommodations, expenses, almost
everything that you would need to know before attending a concert at a venue
you are not familiar with. There was even a detailed guide on the fan chants for
the concert. It was clear as the sky that we all want TVXQ in Manila to push
through, whatever it takes. The noise about the concert grew lesser from the
announcement to the ticket selling, until I heard no noise anymore. It was
frightening. My usual self who would expect the worst didn’t want to
acknowledge the anxiousness I was feeling towards the concert. More than
anything else, I want TVXQ in Manila to happen. I want TVXQ to see their fans
in the Philippines. I know fans who have seen them outside of the country for a
couple of times now and I also saw them the first time when I went abroad to
see their concert. It was fun seeing them perform but nothing beats the joy to
see your fellow fans in the Philippines enjoy the same performance you’ve seen.
Nothing beats the happiness of finally making TVXQ witness the love of the
Filipino fans who have poured out their time and youth to show their love for
TVXQ, from then until now. As time went by, having TVXQ in Manila became more
of a dream for the local fandom than for me. I dream that one day, TVXQ would
hear the screams and cheers of these fans. I held on to that dream and I believed
that the time to realize that dream is coming true soon; until June 21, 2019
happened. The same account who posted the news about TVXQ in Manila made an
announcement that the concert will be postponed indefinitely. I was crushed.
There were mixed emotions about the announcement; some were sad, frustrated,
mad, and I was a little bit of everything. I posted on Twitter my rants, my
frustrations, my feelings, my anger, my crushed dream. The happy routine of
checking the hashtag #TVXQinManila on Twitter became a harsh slap of reality
because there you’d read the cries, frustrations, and anger of fans who were
hopeful about the Manila concert. The hashtag that I used to check that
reminded me that TVXQ is coming to the Philippines is the same hashtag that
reminded me that it’s not happening anymore. We took a huge blow, but just like
how Filipinos make it through adversities, the local fandom Cassiopeia
Philippines, organized a concert screening on the supposed date of the concert.
What supposed to be the day to see TVXQ in Manila became a gathering of fans. I
volunteered to help out whatever I could for the event. Given the short time
the fans were given to organize, it was not as grandiose as their previous gatherings;
after all, who would have thought that they’d have to do it again when we all believed
that it was finally time for all of us to see an event attended by the artists
themselves. The event was all throughout heartwarming. We were all
devastated, but watching those two on screens, screaming to their songs, doing
fan chants, made the pain bearable. International fans like Bigeasts were also
in attendance and you could see the awe in their eyes as they watch Filipino
fans chant perfectly to Tohoshinki songs (the concert screening was Tohoshinki’s
Begin Again Tour in Nissan Stadium). The event ended, the days passed. I
thought the gathering was enough to lift up my spirit, but no matter how
thankful I was for the event, deep down, I am still devastated about what
happened to the supposedly TVXQ in Manila. You know how it feels when a loved
one dies? You don’t feel the impact on the death itself, not even in the wake
of the burial; The pain comes creeping in after everything is done when things
are back to normal and all the people who gave you comfort on those hard times
are back on their regular routine. That’s how bad it was for me; it felt like a
loved one died. The precious dream I’ve longed and wanted for a long time
suddenly disappeared and I don’t want to dream again because I have been
traumatized the first time I did. It didn’t help that the tour was just
beginning, that TVXQ in Manila was supposed to be the second leg of the tour,
that there would be other stops, that there would be countries they’d add, that
the tour is still ongoing, but your dream of seeing them in your country is
officially not happening anymore. I tried to go to one of their stops but I
felt that I was being unfair to TVXQ because I know, amidst their outstanding
performance, the happiness of attending their concert, at the end of that, I’d
still be sad and think why we were denied of the chance to see that in our
country.
I am writing this now because the tour is finally over. You might think that it’s
absurd, but deep down? I hoped that TVXQ in Manila would be miraculously
announced to happen again within the tour run because the local promoter said
that it was just “postponed indefinitely”. I was that hopeful. I believed and
placed my 101% trust in the local promoter. I kept my faith, kumapit ako, I did exactly what they
told us to do. Was it not enough? We haven’t been around for twenty years but some of their fans in the Philippines have been a fan for 16
years and all we wanted was to be given a chance for them to see us here. What
a beautiful welcome it would be to tell TVXQ that they already visited the
venue of their concert back in 2003 when Mall of Asia was still in
construction and the arena was still not built. What a lovely noise we would have
made as our screams of fan chants resonate in the arena. How happy we would
have been if they told us that they would have come sooner; if they knew there
were fans passionately waiting for them here. We might be a small group of fans
compared to others, a small crowd, a mere constellation among the many stars,
but just like everyone else, we have so much love to give. Were we never
enough? Was that never enough?
People would say TVXQ coming to Manila is not really a hopeless case. Another
chance may come up; that maybe, it’s just not our time yet. However, TVXQ in
Manila left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth: the fans, the local promoters, sponsors, and maybe TVXQ's company and TVXQ themselves. I don’t even check on TVXQ that
much anymore. I am too sad and it would take me a long time to move on from
this. But I want to believe that rather than "We are T!": tired (of waiting), “We are T!”: tough. Tough enough to handle this hurdle.
After all, being a TVXQ fan was never for the weak-hearted. I would let time heal this broken fan until she could dream of TVXQ in Manila again. I hope and pray that time would come.
